The Tree and Sea of Tears

Of

The Silence Within us...and Between

And Then We Join the Circus

 

1. I was your tears for you.

2. I was there with your tears.

3. You filled me with your tears.

4. I had your tears inside me.

5. Your tears filled me.

6. I ran from your forest of tears, fearful I would be drenched.

7. I ran from your river of tears, fearful of wetting my new dress.

8. I swam through your tears to the other side.

9. Can we share tears?

10. Have you shed the perfect tear?

11. What does the perfect tear look like, that you shed?

12. Your tears followed and chased me.

13. Your tears blubbered down your face.

14. Your tears tried to choke me, but you choked them back.

15. Your tears ran down the block, streaking like The Emperor with no clothes.

16. I took a knife to your tears.

17. The Sun came out and dried out all the tears.

18. There was a tear drought.

19. You stood on my tears and stomped their life out.

20. You stomped the life out of my tears.

21. You used my tears like spit.

22. I tried to explain away my tears.

23. I tried to hide you in the embrace of my tears.

24. You peeked out from the cascade of my tears.

25. I tried to laugh away my tears.

26. I was shamed and said my tears had no meaning.

27. I thought to protect you with my tears in the forefront.

28. I used my tears for you like a mighty fortress.

29. If you could have wept your trail of tears, how different might I be?

30. I lied and said my tears were empty.

31. Why did you not weep your own tears but left them for me?

32. Unwell is a man without tears.

33. You said, “I feel like crying.”

34. You shot down my tears like a sharpshooter with a practiced eye.

35. Tears are for the maudlin, he said.

36. You cut out my tears with a knife.

37. Do your tears flow alone, like alcoholics with their drinks?

38. Your tears do not mean I must love you.

39. Your tears will not bring my love to the surface.

40. Show your tears before clumps of dirt are heard.

41. Your tears hovered and lurked.

42. I felt guilty and ashamed, waiting for my tears to come.

43. I recoiled from myself, as my tears leapt to be seen.

44. I waited to see if the tears be cold or if the tears be hot, salty or fresh water.

45. I will shroud myself with tears and wait.

46. He put tears on his head like a lampshade and stood in the corner.

47. I saw your tears well up in your blue eyes as you panted for control.

48. You thought your tears silent, but I heard.

49. Were there more tears at Christmas, your birthday, or Easter, when He is risen?

50. Your tears leaked out at the seams in my garments.

51. I was eager to see your tears dance like Elvis in “Jail House Rock.”

52. I thought of your tears spasmodically like Joe Cocker in mid song.

53. I tap danced on the stage round your tear drop puddles.

54. His face crumpled to torture before the tears squeezed out.

55. If I could save enough, I would decorate my house with tears.

56. My tears followed me, yapping and nipping at my heels.

57. I was Goliath, my tears were David.

58. You licked my tears and I felt nothing.

59. Are you protected behind your tears?

60. What protects you, your tears or their absence?

61. My tears streaked behind me as I ran.

62. You thought it was rain on the pavement, but it was my tears.

63. I shall grow old and withered, protected by my tears.

64. I am left with God and my tears.

65. A frozen tear, sharp as a knife’s blade.

66. The kindness of winter sun, allowing the tears to remain.

67. The Remains of the Tears.

68. My tears keep the world at bay.

69. To your face I wept, as you turned it from me.

70. How shall I live without my tears?

71. My tears flowed with a stranger on the street.

72. She took my hand and walked with me, as my tears hit the sidewalk.

73. We were like Hansel and Gretel, with tears instead of bread crumbs.

74. The Witch wanted our tears captured in test tubes.

75. To shed the perfect tear, that’s the goal.

76. Said tear shall be judged from all angles in the sunlight.

77. Shall said tear be found wanting, in all it’s pulchritude?

78. The Guinness Book of most tears shed.

79. Who vies for that trophy?

80. You must shed your daily allotment of tears.

81. He makes his coffee with reconstituted tears.

82. Only love’s first tears can awaken her.

83. I cannot slip and drown in your tears.

84. Ye shall know me by my tears.

85. He drank my tears, but it was merely for show.

86. When your tears come, don’t call me.

87. I saw my tears, walking, in Central Park.

88. Do old tears die or just fade away?

89. He said he was brought to tears twice in his life,

90. But I did not believe him.

91. Good things happen to bad people all the time, she teared.

92. She cannot speak in words, only tears.

93. Your icy tears cannot wound me.

94. When my back was turned, you stole my tears.

95. He was sent to prison for tear stealing.

96. Your tears never moved me.

97. Without tears, what would you have done?

98. After you took my tears, you lied.

99. Sing Hosanna whilst the tears follow Him.

100. I can only go where tears are shed.

101. Set me on a shelf and watch the tears roll.

102. Humpty Dumpty fell while grasping for his tears.

103. He shook and blubbered like a baby, as his tears shot into the room.

104. My tears were both Daniel and the lion's.

105. Are tears only for behind closed doors?

106. Are tears only for the alone and lonely?

107. Should tears come out of the closet?

108. My tears came out of the closet.

109. What about yours?

110. My tears escaped from the closet.

111. My tears were chased out of the closet with a shout.

112. My tears were frightened out of the closet with an angry fist.

113. The pastor said, "Don’t look at the hypocrisy in my tears."

114. Your tears were like the religious convert, zealous.

115. Your tears were languid, mine fervent.

116. Do tears want to be laughed away?

117. Should we laugh away our tears?

118. His tears growth was stunted.

119. The tears came and died with the gun shot.

120. I took my tears for a joy ride.

121. My tears swooped up and flew,

122. buoyed on the wind after you flung them out the window,

123. like a birds tears,

124. then crashed and scattered on the ground

125. like a dried floral arrangement and its tears.

126. Are tears to be welcomed or feared?

127. Do you wish you were tearless?

128. I watched a man weep, but there were no tears on his face.

129. I added my frozen tears to your drink and as you sipped, you grimaced.

130. Don’t overload me with your tears, I cannot read that many at once.

131. Me and my tears? We went swing dancing.

132. My tears were lost, as they fell into the stream.

133. You gobbled my tears and waited for me

134. I heard she damaged her tear ducts to stop them.

135. She sprinkles the pan with tears, as she fries her morning eggs.

136. My tears do not seek beauty, though sometimes it is there.

137. I cannot let my tears begin, I’ll stopper my eyes with hay.

138. I never use a pencil, my tears write for me.

139. I cannot cry for you, the tears you could not shed.

140. She lived her life submerged in a tub of tears, hers and yours.

141. It was a delicate ecosystem.

142. My tears have crossed many rivers.

143. Your tears threaded through her hair like gray hair through mine.

144. My tears hopped a freight ala Woody Guthrie.

145. My tears shopped for new clothes at Sears and Roebuck.

146. My tears had lunch at the automat and took the L train home.

147. I dreamed I fought your tears in my Maidenform bra.

148. Every day you were on your knees, I saw your tears.

149. Your tears were ground to powder, while you loved her.

150. He stomped your tears again and you let him.

151. You taught my tears.

152. You taught my tears to love.

153. I collected tears to feed my family.

154. I sowed tears.

155. I threw tears in the wishing well.

156. I wished, as I threw tears in a fountain.

157. I scattered tears and the crows ate them.

158. I harvested tears and gave my earnings to others.

159. I saw your brown eyes well with tears, but you would not let them cascade.

160. I harvested tears and gave them all away.

161. She sat on a shelf and I watched her tears collect.

162 .She took up a collection of tears just for me.

163. I saw the collection plate, it's bounty of tears for me.

164. One by one, my tears flew over The Cuckoos Nest.

165. My tears stuck their head in the oven with Sylvia.

166. My tears loaded their pockets with stones, on their way to the river.

167. " The waiting is over, Honey," my tears said to me.

168.  His tears drove him to jump from a bridge.

169. Then they swam with the fishes, doing the fish stroke.

170. My tears took communion and invited the Jews.

171. My tears started a fire and kept me warm.

172. Your tears tied a yellow ribbon round the old oak tree and then they held me hostage.

173. Your tears gave me shreds of life.

174. Your tears gave me shreds of hope, but they shredded more.

175. Your tears are the blight of the world.

176. My tears were an abomination upon the earth.

177. Your tears watched, while my heart was crucified.

178. Sow your tears of anger upon the planet.

 

179. My tears wept small, for a small death.

180. My tears wept large, for a big death.

181. My tears were born in the dark.

182. My tears glow in the dark.

183. My tears went to kiss Gore Vidal, but thought better of it and returned home.

184. My tears and him? We tied the knot.

185. My tears were hungry and you gave them food.

186. You erected a temple for my tears.

187. My tears sat down by the side of the road,

188. And told God,

189. "Now, I need to be selfish."

190. Blessed are my tears for they are the poor in heart. 

191. As a child my tears were childish.

192. My tears galloped off into the sunset,

193. and left you behind (alone).

194. Your tears lapped all up and looked for more.

195. As a tear I tearish was.

196. My tears gave up their tearish ways.

197. My tears see the mirror dim.

198. Face to face, our tears shall fully understand.

199. My tears abide by faith.

200. My tears abide through hope and faith,

201. Your tears, I hope, abide in love.

202. Your tears came to a fork, and made an error.

203. Your tears were  lost in loss.

204. Your tears saw no healing in sight.

205. Your tears took a spin on the boardwalk and returned home with a sunburn.

206. My tears sang "How Great Thou Art"

207. Because they faithed it.

208. Your tears took a wrong turn and were submerged in sorrow.

209. Your tears saw no joy in sight.

210. Your tears carpentered for me, a set of twin dressers,

211. One for death and one for angry life.

212. Our tears carried these many years, both buoyed and sinking.

213. My tears begged, our tears begged, please release them.

214. My tears plodded, on the march of illness and debilitation,

215. not knowing it was the path to death.

216. My tears imploded, an internal grenade unpinned.

217. Then they exploded like an atomic incident.

218. They were not seen for many years.

219. My tears long to do-si-do with my dad like we did in yonder years.

220. My tears flung themselves on my father's corpse.

221. My father's tears fled on the way to his cremation.

222. My tears went to Grand Central and took the train north.

223. My tears sat in a bar,

224. at the bar,

225. alone,

226. on Thanksgiving Day.

227. My tears took to Central Park

228. and rode a horse,

229. Just like Jackie Kennedy.

230. Just like Marjorie Morningstar. 

231. My tears healed my shattered dreams.

232. Your tears sucked my dream before it formed.

233. My tears gave me in equal measure, loss and healing.

234. My tears told me the only way to Redemption is through the dark.

235. My tears looked garish so you would know how I feel inside.

236. His tears ran afoul of the law for 20 years,

237. (His tears) were fouled whilst still living.

238. His father's tears ran afoul of the law,

239. not discovered, they died, and later, were fouled in death.   

240. My tears hit joy, then anger, then sorrow,

241. where they remained.

242. His tears hit anger, then anger, then anger...

243. where they remained.

244. My tears escaped from silence and employed sound effects.

245. The sound of his tears was like breaking bones.

246. My tears do not accept endless sorrow.

247. His tears told the Catholics, "Put down your cocktail glass."

248. Her tears told me, I must not look at bars and taverns.

249. My tears jumped on that horses back and we didn't stop for three days.

250. My tears said, "I have a voice. I will not be silenced."

251. My tears said "You have no right to silence me."

252. Blessed are my tears, for they are the poor in spirit.

253. Blessed are my tears, for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven.

254. Blessed are they who mourn my tears.

255. My tears shall be comforted and blessed.

256. My tears are the Meek, Blessed.

257. Meek, they shall inherit the earth.

258. There were pockets of warmth left in their

259. palms and underarms, when my tears died.

260. My tears were drunk, when they went to their Rolfing session.

261. Your tears played the piano, late at night, alone in the dark.

262. Your tears walked the hills and hid out, alone, in the forest.

263. Your tears ate too much at dinner.

264. Her tears were bulimic.

265. Her tears kept climbing into bed with strangers.

266. My tears tried to be anorexic, to no avail.

267. My tears watched you fall from a high place, or did you jump?

268. My tears shall never know.

269. My tears watched you go over the side,

270. the side of the bridge.

271. My tears cringed and crumpled as your sternum hit and cracked.

272. My tears drag this with them, the memory of that crack.

273. My tears shuffle and drag you, the memory of you.

274. My tears drag and shuffle, shackled at the ankles, with the memory,

275. The memory of you, the memory of your life,

276. My tears shackled at the ankles, shackled at the wrists, choked at neck's nape,

277. gasping and grasping with the memory of your death.

278. With the how of you dead.

279. My tears gathered your sweaters and placed them in a suitcase,

280. in my storage, there was nothing else to do.

281. My tears were in a rear end collision,

282. The rear was theirs.

283. My tears thought of you, while they swept the floor, with an industrial broom.

284. Our tears hunger and thirst for righteousness,

285. Blessed are they, to receive what they seek.

286. Our tears shall obtain mercy,

287. For blessed are the Merciful.

288. Our tears shall see God,

289. Blessed are they, the pure in heart.

290. In the morning, my tears were mourning.

291. My tears wandered in the desert for 40 days

292. and tried to make bread from Stone.

293. My tears refused the Kingdom of the World,

294. during hunger and starvation, for 40 days, stranded, in the desert.

295. My tears are surprised, at times, to still be living.

296. Yes, My tears, faltering, for 40 days refused, refused temptation,

297. but my tears do not always know what they want.

298. My tears said, “I’m packing up my love, and leaving home.”

299. 40 days of hunger, thirst, starvation, blistered, oozing skin, my tears said,

300. “I want to live.”

301. Some days, God only allowed my tears.

302. My tears snaked like a train, then circled back home.

303. My tears went to the movies and had popcorn.

304. My tears went to church and praised God.

305. My tears took a sip from the Big Dipper, then danced with Orion.

306. My tears smoked pot in the Caribbean with William F Buckley.

307. My tears wrote a better book than Norman Mailer, then grinned.

308. My tears dreamed of a big city and then went there.

309. My tears were generous to others.

310. My tears loved me.

311. My tears said, “I love you with all my tears.”

312. My tears said, “You bore me now.”

313. My tears said, “You must leave now.”

314. Her tears lived a life brimmed with the unreal.

315. Her tears did not see what was.

316. Her tears sat by the door and waited for his return, abuse flapping on his coat tails.

317. Her daughter’s tears sat and did same.

318. Their tears heard the bluebirds chirp while the sun shone.

319. Their tears wished to kill the sun.

320. Her tears wished to nap in a cloud.

321. Her tears faced her fears and took a risk.

322. Our tears rode our horses, until our faces burned,

323. in the sun.

324. Her tears slapped him, he stepped back.

325. A cloud dollop view pleased her tears,

326. they wondered where God was.

327. His tears were the richest I had known.

328. Whose tears died of wounds self-inflicted?

329. My ears watched as his life drained out,

330. they could only watch, my tears, the Tragedy.

331. Their tears rejoiced on their Wedding day.

332. They all danced a jig, them tears did.

333. Their tears rejoiced with the birthing of their first child.

334. Them tears danced more jigs.

335. My tears heard there was forgiveness before death.

336. My tears wish to leave death,

337. but are not allowed.

338. My tears watched as his tears tried to glide on skates.

339. My tears, mean, giggled, his ankle snapped.

340. My tears wondered, what more have I to say,

341. about you.

342. My tears were hurt, so, so hurt by your

343. spew of stones.

344. SOMETIMES my tears are just mad,

345. mad, ripped and pissed.

346. My tears hugged him with mad delight.

347. My tears were found in a Haystack.

348. Your tears will make me spit fire,

349. I’m a fire spitter.

350. My tears erased the smiles of snakes and cobras,

351. And rejected your intimidation and control,

352. Rejected and erased with an eraser greater than the Universe,

353. Because, My Tears believe in the Resurrection. 

354. Our tears were found in a Fairy Tale.

355. Our tears were found in a Dream.

356. My tears were found weeping alone, in a Fairy Tale, Found in a Dream.

357. My tears saw that your tears were spurious,

358. Ahhh, mine were trenchant.

359. His tears made her in a dream, then left her.

360. Do not place your tears over me.

361. Your tears do not fit me.

362. He found her in his tears.

363. She thought her tears were safe from the barb wire of dreams.

364. Her tears were caught in that barb wire, with

365. thorns around her heart of dreams.

366. Her tears spun, and flung outward, Hallelujah, revolving on the Merry-go-round.

367. His tears wondered, what do you say, after you’ve said goodby?

368. My tears believe in the Hallelujahs of making wonder and glory spring from nothing.

369. His tears pondered, how to shed a tear after you’ve cried?

370. My tears believe in how close in the heart and of the flesh two can be.

371. His tears asked, what’s a noise after you’ve shouted?

372. My tears believe that every day you should feel loved and adored.

373. His tears moved on to, how can one trip after you’ve fallen?

374. My tears search for the heart of miracles a hand can fashion.

375. Then his tears broke our hearts,

376. How can one love more, when love is so full?

377. His tears, those tears he so rarely shed, (‘twas not safe), I know they rejoiced.

378. My tears were terribly unhappy, selling Girl Scout Cookies door to door.

379. My tears asked hers, was it the hand that hurt or the words that you heard,

380. That hurt you?

381. Did your tears bleed and bruise,

382. To the tune of the hand that hurt

383. or the words that you heard? 

384. His tears said, I love you dearly, maturely and passionately, all at once.

385. His tears said, I am looking forward to loving you, as long as I can imagine.

386. His tears said, how full of Wonder you are and how much I desire you.

387. Her tears said, “Everybody loves me because I’m so awesome!”

388. And then, “Yeah! I’m so cute and weird”

389. Our tears lived with longing, waiting to be discovered.

390. Our tears lived in plain sight, where joy and sorrow hold hands.

391. His tears said, “I love to explore your skin.”

392. Our tears said, “You must ignore the hypocrisy of the pastor,

393. God is good.”

394. Our tears said, “You must ignore those self-serving people you find in church,

395. God knows who they are.”

396. My tears said, Art is not about schooling, nor big words.

397. My tears sang, as did his, “Jesus loves me, this I know.”

398. My tears said, “I painted your fall or jump from a high place,

399. with tears that reflected the pulchritude of your colors.”

400. My tears have yet to cease for that fall or jump from a high place,

401. Oh Best Beloved, but they live a clandestine life,

402. hidden behind the veil of the tears of other’s.

403. My tears said to him, “Well, yeah, but it’s my water.”

404. His tears said, “I love you in all possible ways.”

405. Her tears said, “I need your approval, please?”

406. His tears said, Every little things ‘gonna be alright.

407. Three little birds on my doorstep, My tears saw and heard ya.

408. His tears said unworthiness in the unconscious mind.

409. His tears said, The Good goes together with the perfect,

410. Only God can be the Master Caretaker.

411. My tears said to my tears, I laugh at you and love you.

412. Our tears sang, This is our story, this is our song…?

413. His tears said you must repudiate everything you have been told in the past about your pain.

414. His tears said, I plan on soaking up every molecule of your mind and body.

415. Her tears said, Well, What’s the point of living?

416. All tears bright and beautiful.

417. His tears said, You must persevere until your pain is gone.

418. All tears great and small.

419. His tears said, They are part of the human condition.

420. All tears wise and wonderful.

421. His tears said, how crucially important the unconscious mind is.

422. The Lord God made them all, our tears, our tears, our tears, our tears, our tears.

423. My tears said, I like piles, jumbles, clumps and cascades,

424. so easy to pluck out a poem,

425. I just stick in my thumb and pluck out a poem.

426. Their tears said, We got married in a fever.

427. His tears said, I walk the line.

428. Her tears said, It’s too late baby.

429. His tears said, I need you more than want you.

430. His tears said, I want you for all time.

431. Her tears sang, I had to break myself for something not mine, but I don’t know the tune.

432.  My tears were like a war ravaged country.

433. My tears, too, dreamed of elsewhere, to live in a place where things that happened, mattered.

434. My tears were ignorant, they lived what mattered.

435. My tears said to the world, Great loss creates wholeness.

436. My tears said, If I speak, you will see my coruscating soul.

437. My tears said, I loved you, but our time has passed.

438. His tears said, Let’s go to the drive-in and make out.

439. My tears said, Our window is closed.

440. His tears said, Let’s go to the beach and make out.

441. My tears said, You never touched me, or looked into my eyes, so now we can never be.

442. My tears said, Oh how I would have, but you did not.

443. Your tears said, I received a message from God on Facebook,

444.  then he posted on Instagram.
445. My tears said, When I in Awesome Wonder,

446. then sings my soul.

447. Her tears said, I needed you to stop, but you did not.

448. My tears are at a loss…

449. now.

450. They’re hemmed in, my tears, between numbers, words and the blank sides of a page.

451. How can my tears escape? With jungle vines and furtive lines-with back alley bombast and sarcastic, silly, sneering tones from my sinister sister Sally, who wouldn’t know a ________if it hit her or smacked her in the head, till she dead? My tears have somewhere else to be, don’t know where they are now, but they gonna get out, they gotta get out.

452. My tears need a escape route, some kinda protection, we ain’t that, we ain’t bein’ that. That not we. How dare you say it be we.

453. My tears search for the peaceful stream of me.

454. His tears said, to her, I want someone to share in the misery and the glory.

455. My tears said, you taught me to accept that which I now reject.

456. My tears say, Can I be you instead of me, just for the day?

457. My tears said, I was not afraid of violence ‘til violence came to me.

458. My tears said, You know what I am? I’m a sucker for color.

459. My tears said, my dad was happy, surrounded by broken machines,

460. Their tears needed his love, his tender loving love and care, and they responded.

461. My tears said, my dad didn’t need a fixin’ manual.

462. His tears said, I never met a machine I didn’t like.

463. My tears said, my dad, (the great healer,) couldn’t mend his broken heart.

464. Her tears, in tears, a stranger turned to me, crumpled hands covered her face,

465. my arms wrapped her petite frame, they longed to be longer.

466. Her tears, her words leaked through her hands, wet my chest,

467. Her tears raised a plea to the pastor, a daughter, possibly dying,

468. Our pastor inquired about the next fundraiser.

469. My tears witnessed, and they judged.

470.  My tears said, I want to reach our heartbreak, to be together in the depths of that which we dare not name, nor dare to feel, and to sit there, as we hold each other in the dark, as we sit there holding, we’re holding, and God flows in.

471. My tears said, we are quivering masses of, endless masses of feeling and flesh and, that’s all my tears have to give, not my flesh, only to a few in this world will my tears give my flesh, our flesh, but my feelings, our feelings, those of my tears and I, we only have our feelings to give, at the end of the day, when the flesh quivers no more, all I had, all we had, were our feelings, to give.

472. My tears were just a baby, Lord, you know that. You were there, with my tears not even on their knees, they couldn’t get on their knees, yet. My baby tears could lay and stay on their back, that was it, kicking legs, closed eyes, sleeping, spasmodic arm movements, curl, uncurl, toes, fingers grasp at nothing, you were there, Lord.

473. My tears ask, they ask you, does my dark show? Do you see it around my edges, leaking, pooling around me? Will you love me,

474. My tears, if you know, if you see my struggle to stay off my knees?

475. My tears grasp for the hand of God as they feel me sink lower, all our hands grasp for those of God, our tears hit the paper. Our tears pool, on the paper, like the dark around me.

476. Do you feel our tears spread out around you? Are your shoes wet, do you feel our tears seeping into the hem, the hem of your garment, the hem of His?

477. I say, to my tears, this cost me, this cost me to write this, to tell my tales to you, to look inside and expose the ugly. This cost me to be cloistered, alone, my eyes wet with tears, tears that I am not always sure are my own and others I am certain are not mine, they are not mine and I did not earn them, do you hear me say that? I did not earn them, they were foisted on me, or given to me with a smile and a laugh, with no sense of survival skills, no teaching of how to protect, no teaching from anyone, large, small, or old. Foisted tears and no survival skills and I must say, I must write, I must have eyes wet, in aloneness, cloistered in solitude, cloaked, holding the darkness within, as I let it seep out, in doses and ways the earth and those around me can tolerate, a slight singe, with no igniting the torch.

478. I say, to my tears, it’s the endless battle of a lifetime, one which I cannot win.

479. It’s a battle of tears I wage, I’m fighting a battle I cannot win, it’s me against you, tears.

480. I don’t know when it began.

481. There is no victor.

Apryl Miller

July, 2012-February, 2014